At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
