my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
