Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
