He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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