I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
