I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
