all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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