We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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