i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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