sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
