Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
