My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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