yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
