when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Two words: blizzard sex
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
