You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
