I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
