She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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