just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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