If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
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I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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