i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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