We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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