yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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