Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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