I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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