i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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