i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
