it wasn't lemon gatorade
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
