I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
