i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
