Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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