So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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