Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
