also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
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Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
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We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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