I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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