fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
