Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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