girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
