about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
