Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
