I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
