I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
