what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Randomize
