Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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