sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
