She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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