Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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