I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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