ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
