I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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