i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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