Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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