Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
