So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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