so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
