Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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