1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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