Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
