And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
