Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
