he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
