shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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