I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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