Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
